I am the mother of a typical five year old boy, and identical twin three year old girls – one who is typical, and one who happens to have a severe anoxic brain injury due to a choking accident when she was 11 months old. Let’s just say that I have experience with many things parenting, and I like to say that we follow the “fly by our seat of our pants parenting style,” but I’m happy to share my perspective, as it’s a little different than most. You can find me posting useless drivel on my blog The Fisch Tank and also involved with our project to spread a message of kindness at Be Kind Colorado.
No one ever expects to have a child with special needs. Not even the parents who have kids with special needs. Really, it’s true! It just happens sometimes, and so, whether you have typical kids or a child with some extra needs, this is for you, so really, it’s for everyone.
1. Denial – It helps no one. If you are a parent, a first time parent or an experienced parent, and you have a feeling that something might be a little bit off with your child, you are probably right – whether it’s just personality, or some other kind of issue, no one knows. Justifying any sort of delays and comparing your child with other children to the point of stressing yourself out is pointless. Every child is different, yes, and if you, deep in your gut, think something is going on, then you’re right to get it checked out. You see, if you have a child under three, there is a great program called Early Intervention (link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_childhood_intervention) that is required by federal law by the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). It is run in every state and they will do a free (or very low cost) evaluation with trained therapists to address your concerns. A doctor may refer you, but you can also refer yourself. If your child qualifies, you will be set up with therapists and a plan, and someone will help you through the process. Denying that your child needs therapy doesn’t help your child at all, even if it’s hard to accept that your child needs a little extra help. Even for a mild delay, therapy is like play for kids – it’s not work. It will help them learn and catch up to their peers so that by the time they age out of the program at 3 years old, future therapy may not be needed. Also, if you still qualify at 3 years old, you will get help from the public school system BY LAW. There is a reason that the federal government requires and subsidizes this program – because intervention at an early age prevents future issues and larger expenses. There is, but should not be, a stigma associated with “therapy” for kids – it means nothing except a little extra help. If you suspect issues with your child, make the call, like yesterday – getting into this program while it’s free (or cheap) is much easier than trying to get help later on as they get older. I promise.
2. Looking is not rude. But, please, ADD a smile too! Whether or not you have a special needs child, remember that YOU are the model for your children (and other children around you) when you interact with someone with disabilities or special needs. Smile at them. Talk to them. If you encounter a child with special needs, talk to the parent too! Compliment their shirt, shoes, or wheelchair. Point out to your children what a neat backpack they have, or what pretty eyes. Do not talk in hushed tones. Do not act like it is a shame to have a disability. Because when you do this, you are sending a message to your children, the disabled child, and the disabled child’s family that there is something to be ashamed of. This is not the message you want to send. If you are not sure how to interact with a child with disabilities because you’re not sure if they can see, hear, understand, ASK! The parents will be more than happy to help you help your children. Explain in calm, honest, simple sentences about disabilities and differences. Be simple, and don’t go on and on about it. Kids have a natural tendency to accept things the way they are, even if they are different, so explain if they ask, and let them work it out themselves. Avoid using the word ‘retard’ in any way, shape or form. Just trust me on that one.
3. Look beyond the surface. This probably goes without saying, but there are many special needs or disabilities that aren’t obvious. They “look” like regular people, but there can still be many things going on. Autism, sensory issues, developmental delays, brain injury/stroke, chromosomal disorders, and many undiagnosed conditions are all things that can be bubbling under the surface. When you see a child acting differently, acting out, throwing a huge fit or just engaging in odd behavior or acting a little “differently” – there may be other things going on. We all say to ourselves “If MY kid did that, I would ______” – but when you build in special needs, and a parent dealing with behavior issues and other issues all day long, seven days a week, it can be different. It is probably exhausting, combined with the therapy and doctor schedules and caring for the “normal” family stuff on top of the special needs child. When you see other families of any kind, try your very hardest not to judge – because you probably don’t know the whole story. Turn your pitying look into a helpful gesture – ask the parent if there’s anything you can do to help, get a glass of water, collect their things, distract the child, carry their bags. Trust me, these parents can use all the help they can get. Actually, all parents can use help at some point, right?
That just scratches the surface, really. I look forward to guest posting here occasionally – you know, in my free time.
Wonderful! I love the bit about looking being OK if you add a smile. I think you explained it perfectly to typical folks!
ReplyDeletewww.outrageousfortune.net